Zen Under Fire: A New Zealand Woman's Story of Love & War in Afghanistan by Marianne Elliott.
A profoundly
moving account of her experiences as a human rights lawyer for the UN in
Afghanistan. Marianne writes fluently, and shares her insights into the
intensely complex political situation in easy to absorb chunks. A month after arriving at her new job, and
still feeling a bit underprepared, her senior colleagues go on a much earned
holiday, leaving her as the Officer in Charge of a United Nations war zone,
waving away her concerns with the reassurance that as long as no one kills Amanullah Khan, the
powerful leader of one of the local tribes, all will be fine. But by lunchtime
he is dead, killed in retaliation for the death of a rival leader the week
before.
Marianne describes both her everyday working
life, constant meetings and writing reports of the local conflicts, the
violence against women and children, the struggle to grow food in the backlash
of intertribal conflict and famine, and her personal struggles to cope with the
endless stream of harrowing, negative information flowing in, and the heavy toll,
this randomness of life and death around her, takes on her personal
relationships. “I feel as though I am sleepwalking through my own life between
guilt and sadness.” Feelings that are intensified by the tight security
limitations imposed on her movements, both as a foreigner and a woman.
Eventually she turns to her fledgling yoga practice to rescue her from total descent into a cycle of fatigue, insomnia, PTSD, depression and addictive medication. At first, her practice is almost mechanical. Unnerved by a phone call or a meeting, she would do some simple breathing exercises and a few sun salutes. Over time she becomes aware, that while the stressful situation remains the same, her attitude to the continual crises around her has changed. "Yoga is helping me little by little to trust my breath and my body, and to loosen my tight grip on control. I am starting to get glimpses of what yoga might be able to teach me ..." Less control, more softness and acceptance.
As
she furthers her yoga journey through meditation retreats in various
recuperation spots around the globe, she realises her compulsion to save the
world has been fuelled by her own private fears and insecurities as much as her
compassion and commitment to justice.
She
takes comfort from the words of Buddhist teacher, Pema Chodron who says that
the purpose of meditation is not to make us feel better. “If we expect that, we
will end up feeling we are doing it wrong most of the time. Well, yes, exactly. But to accept ourselves as we are.” It is ok
to sit with sadness, doubt, anger and fear. “We can’t be of true service to
others unless we are prepared to face our own shadows”.
For
months she is angry at others for their cruelty and at herself for being so
powerless in the face of the enormous suffering she encounters daily. She feels
inadequate and berates herself for not being able to better the lives of those
suffering around her, but eventually realises that one of her greatest gifts to
the people of Afghanistan is simply to take time to really listen to their
stories and record them in her reports. It is in giving up the need to feel in
control, that she releases her ability to be herself and fully present in the
moment. Not perfect in every situation, but present.
With
this new awareness, she finds more inventive approaches to getting things done.
Where at first she was frustrated by intractability of UN security rules, she
now finds ways to work within them and around them to achieve her goals. When
there is no money for a project, she gathers resources and assistance from many
disparate groups to make things happen anyway.
One
of her initiatives is workshops for police and prosecutors on women’s rights in
domestic violence cases. In dusty corners of the country there are honourable men
who want to find ways to make the law equal for all, especially women, yet they
are hindered by a lack of training and the scarcity of actual copies of Afghan
law to study. They ask Marianne to procure copies of the law and to provide training
workshops. These workshops are led by her friend, Kate, a smart, articulate Canadian
lawyer, who has developed a specialised curriculum for prosecutors on women and
criminal justice. Kate effortlessly recites whole clauses of Afghan law, is also
an expert in Sharia law, speaks fluent Dari, the local language, and quickly
wins the respect of the male police and prosecutors in the room.
This is a remarkable read. By the end of the book you will
have a much wider appreciation of the conflict in Afghanistan; the violence,
the politics, corruption of warlords and those vying for power and also the
remarkable courage and dignity of the Afghan people who try to live their lives
and bring up their children in tenuous circumstances.
It is also a story of the people who risk their lives to try
to make a difference, in a country where human rights count for little, and the
toll this takes on the human spirit. What is really inspiring, is that it is
precisely in this ravaged country, with all its turmoil, that Marianne finds a
sense of Self. Through yoga and
meditation, she is learns to “slow down” in Afghanistan, taking time to honour
her feelings. “It is transforming my
ability to be in the presence of profound suffering without closing my heart or
leaping too quickly into action. As I learn to sit with other people’s pain, I
also learn to sit with my own.”
Since
returning to New Zealand, Marianne continues to inspire others to overcome
their fears. It is our fears that hold us back. “As I learned, our own fears,
even our best intentions can get in the way of our ability to serve others.
Yoga, writing and walking continue to be my tools to process fears that get
triggered by the suffering I encounter”.
